The places you have come to fear the most.

*I posted this today on my personal life and style blog but I think it belongs here, too...

I've wanted to be an author for as long as I can remember. 

When I graduated college last May, I decided not to pursue employment, but to focus instead on my dream of writing and publishing a novel.

I expected it to be exciting, challenging and frustrating. 
I knew I would face rejection.

Lots of rejection.

But what I didn't expect to face was doubt in my decision and in my own self-worth.

Don't get me wrong - I believe I possess many worthy qualities.

I think I'm kind, creative, funny, interesting, smart and driven.

But sometimes -
when someone asks me where I work and I have to tell them that, technically, I'm unemployed,
or as I watch my friends begin their responsible, adult careers
or see Ryan leave for work each day while I stay at home, making up stories
- I start thinking about how I'm perceived by the rest of the world.
And I think about how I perceive myself.
Ten or twenty years from now,
will I be proud of the risk I'm taking in trying to "make it" as a writer,
or will I wish I'd gotten a full-time job with my English degree?
As much as I care about the opinions of other people (I care too much)

I think I can tolerate disappointing others.
What I'm deeply afraid of is feeling like I've failed myself.
Because how exactly do you measure success?

 I dedicate hours each day to my writing,
but if my writing never reaches another person's eyes, is that success?

If I never make a cent off of my stories,
will I feel like it was worthwhile to spend my life writing them?

I'm torn.
Lately, I've been struggling to articulate what it is that I want out of my life, professionally.

I know I want to contribute something meaningful to the world.

I want people to read my stories and to learn something from them.

But I have difficulty pinpointing my specific goals.

Would publishing one novel be enough for me to consider myself successful?

Would it matter to me how many people read it?
What if my work is never strong enough to be published at all?

I'm not sure what I want to achieve, specifically,
but I do know I want to play a part in the literary world.

I started writing this post two days ago, after being rejected by two graduate programs and accepted by one whose tuition was so expensive I knew I wouldn't be able to attend.
Yesterday I found out that
I've been accepted into the MFA Creative Writing program at
Antioch University Los Angeles.
Not only am I thrilled to be able to further my education and to work with other writers,
but I feel so reassured knowing that there are other people in this field
 who think my fiction is promising.
It came as a boost of confidence when I was wallowing in self-doubt.

Of course, I still have fears regarding my career path.
I'm terrified to be spending thousands of dollars on an education that
won't guarantee I get a job or get published.
I'm scared that by going to graduate school, I may be selfishly pushing back our dreams of
buying our own home and of starting a family.
Though he whole-heartedly supports my decision to be a writer and to attend grad school,
I'm afraid I'm putting too much pressure on Ryan by relying on him to be the sole provider
for us in this very expensive new state.
But new journeys are always scary, right?
And if I'm really committed to following my dream of becoming an author and a
professor of creative writing, this is a journey I need to embark upon,
no matter how scared I am.
I'm sure it will be awhile before I stop wondering if pursuing my writing was the right decision.
And I'm positive I'm going to experience many more rejections before I get published.
But writing is where I feel most in my element.
It's what makes me happy.
I think Joseph Campbell said it best in my favorite quote:

Follow your bliss.

It's been too long.

It's been far too long since I've posted here! But I've been busy.
Busy finishing the first draft of my second novel, "Golden".
And now, busy reading through the entire thing for the first time, editing and preparing for my second draft. My read-through was a bit rocky at first; the first quarter of the book begins a bit slowly, which is where I need to do most of my work. But the last three quarters of the novel have flown by, just like a real, published book (in my opinion, at least!). I'm so excited to bring it to life. And I'm excited to send it off to a few amazing friends and family who have offered to read and critique it for me.

80,000.

This morning I reached 80,000 words!
Long enough to be a real, published novel.
I'm so close to finished and I'm feeling excellent about this story.
I'm ready to get it done and whipped into perfectly edited shape and sent off to potential agents (where I'm sure it will get ripped apart, but hey, that's how it works in this business, right?)

So...any grammar-nazis out there who are willing to edit for free? ;)

Stuck.

I'm so close to finishing this story I can practically taste it, but today I've barely been able to write a paragraph. Literally; I've only kept two of the sentences I managed to create this afternoon.
I'm not sure if I'm distracted with other things or if I'm in some way afraid of completing this first draft (I've really grown to love my characters and hate to leave them) and am unconsciously stalling.
Things just aren't happening today. And every time I try to force it (you know, the "just type for a set number of minutes or hours" thing) I feel like what I end up with isn't true to the voice of the story.
So it's break time now. I'll come back to it tomorrow; hopefully with a fresh, revitalized perspective.

My first acceptance letter.

I did it!
I received my first acceptance letter from one of the four MFA programs where I applied. And I must say, it feels like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders to know that at least one school thinks my writing is strong enough for their program.
For me, that was the biggest fear I had going into the application process: that my writing wasn't good enough. And it's scary because writing is subjective. What if the subject matter of my writing sample rubs someone the wrong way? That could be the difference between being admitted or rejected.
I love writing and I've always felt that I'm a strong writer but I've never really felt like I had any concrete proof that other people see me as a good writer. I've received constructive criticism in writing workshops but let's face it, it's hard to find someone who's willing to be completely blunt and honest in critiquing another person's passion.
So there have been some panicky moments when I think, "What if I'm a terrible writer and no one has the guts to tell me? What if I'm hoping to have a career in a field where my skills just aren't good enough?"
It's nerve-racking.
Right now, I'm a little reassured to know that my writing skills were good enough for one school, at least. It's pretty nice to think that other people sat down, read my stuff and said, "This girl's got what it takes for our program". I'm hoping to receive positive responses from the three other schools I applied at as well, but for now, one is enough to boost my confidence in my writing abilities.

An excerpt.

As you know, the first few paragraphs of a piece of fiction are crucial. You've got to draw your audience in, obviously, or no one will want to keep reading. I don't always do a great job with that, but here's an example of one of my best opening paragraphs. This is from my first novel-length piece, which I'm currently editing and revising. Let me know what you think! Would you keep reading? 

"She has blue eyes. Not sky blue and not sapphire blue but blue like the water in the deepest crevices of the oceans. That murky, near-black liquid that seeps between coral reefs and offers concealment for vile creatures. Blue like the deep abyss that you don’t even know exists until suddenly you’re yanked down into it, where the world is ice cold and unforgiving, and that deep blue water, it’s choking you, and every time you try to take a deep breath you suck more water down through your nose, and every time you open your mouth wide to scream it floods your throat. It fills your nostrils, your mouth, your lungs until the tiny blood vessels in the whites of your eyes explode, and you sink down into the depths of that black-blue abyss forever.

She has blue eyes, like the woman who’s hidden in my basement cellar, bound with razor wire."

    

Revise.

Do you know what the hardest part of writing is, for me? Revising.
It always has been.
I have no trouble cranking out a first draft. Luckily, I never really struggle with "writer's block". And it feels so good getting the words out onto the page; shaping the story I've created in my head into a block of text.
But revising is tough. Revising makes me doubt myself. I read through a paragraph I thought was amazing as I was writing it and suddenly, it seems only mediocre.
Revising gets me down, sometimes. But that probably means that it's the part of the writing process I need to work on most.
I've been told that questioning your own work is a mark of a good writer. Let's hope that's true.